Logically I know children are messy, they have unending needs, they require every last penny and ounce of energy that we have or can borrow. I'm 45 and have been recovering from back surgery - surely mothering is a young woman's sport!
The seven years I spent mothering Ian were the most important years of my life. I'm no spring chicken, but I'm not dead yet...I miss mothering...I miss sharing my days with a little one. I miss the awe and wonder as they discover new things. I miss the joy of all their firsts. I miss cuddles and coos...I miss wide eyed innocence and grand adventures.
Here we are in the midst of the home study process. I shouldn't still be wavering...I should be 100% sure that this is the right step, but at 45 I'm thinking of becoming "pregnant" again...maybe I should have my head examined?
I wrestle with so many fears in this journey. Fears not only for myself but for the child also. Will a little one who looks different from us ever feel secure in our family? Will they truly know that they are wanted and loved? In my humanness I will fail them...God help us!
I think of how my heavenly Father chose to adopt me. He says He loves me and though I want to so badly, I struggle to really believe it, because I don't always feel it. I wrestle with insecurities and identity issues because I don't look like Him. I hang my head in shame because don't act like Him. Still, I want to look and act like Him, and it's His desire for me. But as my Dad, His greatest desire is for me to come Home. In the meantime, He longs for the day when we will be together face to face and He prepares a place just for me...yep, that's what adoptive parent's do.
My Hope: Born 'neath someone else's breast, yet safely home within our nest...
Lord we are in Your hands...can we bring them home?
